Dems Freebie!

WOW! This is hilarious! She doesn't even know what her job is. Palin makes it hard to take the Republican ticket seriously. Shouldn't she understand basic government as it was outlined by the founding fathers?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=76c_2dkUp1c

I feel for the Republicans. They had the tool to win this election and they turned their backs on him. Right now we are in the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression. Every voter is focused on the economy. If the Republicans had nominated Mitt Romney, with his overwhelming experience as a financial "fix-it man" from Bain Capital to the 2002 Olympics to the State of Massachusetts-one of the most liberal states in the union, I might add. He could have clinched the election without trying. He would just have to post his resume. I consider myself liberal, except for abortion, and I WANTED to vote for him.

Too bad guys. Good luck in 8 years.

MANATHLON 2009!

"Compete for your honor. Compete for the thrill. Compete for your gender."

-Gandhi (talking about Manathlon)

It is time to create the Manathlon 2009 Games! We would like you all to come up with ideas for events we can do over the course of a year. We will do one event a month. Some ideas so far include:

• 7 mile tendon run!


• Sunday dinner cook off... with their heads!


• Ice dive of infertility!


• Nephew bench press of pain!


• Trampoline Trickster!


• Desserts of the desert!


• Sumo kick!


• Lion's breath of sudden death!


• Bunny polo!

If you have ideas you would like to add, please sent them ASAP!

Thank you for your participation,

The Manathlon Committee of Pure Awesomeness

All Apologies

Hi you, I have not blogged or been social for several months. I do apologize. I’ll catch you up on the last year to save time. In the last year I have:

1. Moved twice. It worked out perfectly.


2. Had my second son. Well, Daniela did the work. I supervised.


3. Nearly passed out from dehydration in the desert.


4. Went to Yellowstone. Saw less yellow stones than I had imagined.


5. Killed a deer with my fire stick. That sounds funny.


6. Had a vasectomy… I am more docile now.


7. Quit my job. No hard feelings.


8. Started a company. Prelaunch is like purgatory.


9. Finally accepted that I am a redhead.


10. Turned 27. I know I did because MTV now seems juvenile. VH1 just gets me!

Dear John Mayer,

You don't know me, but I know you. I understand what you're going through. I want to help you. You spent your life trying to get into the limelight. You achieved your goal of being slightly popular with 12-year-old girls and 14-year-old boys that “feel a lot" but don't have a good excuse to be pissed off. So you sing your songs about kissin, lovin, huggin, dancing, prancin and all that other whitebread fun.

Then you looked at your life and thought, "I wanted to say something of significance. I wanted to be the best sensitive white guy with an acoustic guitar ever." You released more albums. You gained more adoring adolescent fans. You felt even emptier.

I can fix you John Mayer.

First, stop showering. This may seem like a drastic move but it is necessary. Second, wear only one set of clothing for each week at a time. You should at times substitute a sundress for your ripped 501 Levis. Third, get addicted to something taboo, like absinthe. Fourth, maintain this lifestyle for at least one full calendar year. Finally, try and fix all of these problems along with the problem of being a pansy while recording an album with a grotesque cover and a nonsensical title... I smell a hit! (John, this worked for Curt Cobain. It will work for you.)

Today's Teenage Emotion described in song is:

Teenage Love

When I was 16, I thought this song felt the way love would feel. You see, I was a grunge teenager. We thought Seattle was Mecca and Curt Cobain was Bob Marley reincarnate. By the way, they don't call them "grunge" anymore. The politically correct term is "Homeless looking smelly kid." The video is weird (or rather, ahead of its time... Just kidding, its really weird.) but the song is scrumtrulescent. It isnt gay that the name of the song is Tyler. Tyler could be a girl's name. Could be.

Feelings Are Best Described in Song...

Today's feeling described in song is...

Romance!

This is the most romantic song ever written. You may not agree, but that just means you have a heart of ice and steel. Don't hate love. Love the Love. Love. Love.

My 2nd Favorite Song!

This is my 2nd favorite song of all time. It means a lot to my little family. I put it on a compilation disc back in the day called "Chill Raynger Chill." We would play it for Roman when he was still in Daniela's tummy and he would go wild with movement everytime. When Roman was born he wouldn't react to our voices so we would play this song and he would move around looking for it. Marcus stops and listens when we play it around him. Daniela still tears up when we listen to it. It reminds me of a very difficult and eventually very happy time in my life. To me, it describes the feelings of overcome then overcoming. Enjoy!

Best Song of the 80's!

This is my favorite song from the 1980's. I love music from the 80's... mainly because I have rad sisters who listened to tubular music back then. It was released in 1983, but I didn't hear this obscure and awesmazing song until 2001 when Vanilla Sky was released. I immediately went out and bought the Vanilla Sky soundtrack just to get this one song and it was not on it! I did a bit of research and finally found it. This is my gift of love to you. Enjoy the sonic ear candy!

Happy Birthday Mom!

It’s my Mother's birthday today!

She is the most amazing woman. She raised 10 redheaded kids to adulthood. 10 kids! That is 40 weeks of pregnancy for each child or 400 weeks total. There are 4 weeks in a month so that is 100 months. There are 12 months in a year so this means that Mom was pregnant for over 8 years. This doesn’t even include the pain multiplying factors of nursing and raising very young children while pregnant.

Then, she had to raise us!

So, Happy Birthday Mom! I love you more than I can adequately express. You are the heart of this family.

Red Like Me

I am a redhead.

Wow, it feels good to be able to say that. I am red and proud! Redheads have had a bad rap in popular culture for the past few decades. We are called gingers, carrot top, daywalker, fire crotch, and other despicable names. In fact, being a redhead in the 80's was much like being an albino in medieval times. We were both ostracized and labeled as demons. Except Albinos really are demons. Snow demons.

It hasn’t always been this way. In fact, many of the most powerful and influential people of ancient times were redheads. So, here is my list of redheads who have shaped your world!

1. Jesus. It looks like red hair to me in all the good paintings. Other depictions, which lack the red hair are not authorized by the NAARP. (National Association for the Advancement of Redheaded People)
2. Adam. Yes, the Adam. The father of mankind. The name for Adam in Hebrew is also identical to the word for ruddy or red. What a great way to start the world!
3. The Prophet Mohammed. Oh yeah, nonbeliever! In the Koran it says that Mohammed dyed his hair with henna in order to get a nice red color. Fashion for the faithful.
4. King David. In descriptions of the ancient king, he is said to be "admoni" which means ruddy or redheaded. I think Goliath was probably redheaded too. That’s where all that anger came from.
5. Mary Magdalene. She is often depicted as having red hair. She is a “Disciple of Good Taste” in my estimation.
6. Achilles. Yeah, of Homer's Iliad. He is described as being redheaded. Awesome warrior with only one weakness. Sounds like most redheads I know. Our only weakness is the Sun.
7. Thor. The Viking God of Thunder was often depicted as having red hair. His lightning bolts strike you with style. Eric the Red was so in vogue.
8. Ramses the Great. He is often regarded as the most powerful of all the pharaohs. He ruled for 66 years of pure Egyptian awesomeness. He is also described as being redheaded. Once you go red, your enemies go dead!

These revelations maybe hard for some of you to digest. If you question it, go ahead and check it out on Wikipedia. The Internet never lies. Oh, and just so you know, I AM NOT IRISH!

Master Butt Cleanse!

I'm on Day 4 of the Master Cleanse. If you don't know, the Master Cleanse is a type of fasting where you take laxatives several times a day as well as a fresh squeezed lemon juice, organic maple syrup, and red cayenne pepper concoction whenever hungry. It is supposed to clean you out. The main reason I am doing it is because I am trying to avert depression.

You see, I am in North Carolina right now. I had to stay here by myself over Easter weekend. My little boy Roman keeps asking for me or saying, "Daddy's gone." I feel like breaking into Man Tears anytime I talk to Daniela. (Man Tears are a form of crying while apologizing for crying while snot streams from your nose.) So, instead of falling into a depression-fueled eating frenzy, (chocolate cake loves me no matter what is happening) I decided to control myself by punishing myself. With starvation.

It's not too bad really. The Lemon-Maple-Cayenne Pepper drink was like the piss of Satan after an asparagus eating contest, but I barely taste it anymore. I guess I feel good, just kind of hungry... for weird things. For instance, I would love some cooked cabbage in chicken broth. Oh yeah, I would cover my body in that delicious cooked cabbage. That bad, naughty, translucent vegetable. I would sit in a bathtub of cooked cabbage and dive underneath with my mouth wide open. I would call it Me-so cabbage soup!

I don't really recommend the fast, unless you are trying to ward off depression. If you do want to try it though, let me know and I'll get you the info. Oh, one thing- If you do try it, DON'T EVER PASS GAS! You think it's just a little fart, but it comes out a Shart. A bright orange shart! This has happened three times to me so far. It was once per day until I finally figured it out yesterday... actually it was this morning when I woke up. This cleanse does such disgusting things to your bod!

Red Itchy Karma

It is now the second time in two days that I have had an embarrassing and public outbreak of hives. I think it might be the new type of body soap I recently decided to give a try. That or Ebola. Most likely, it's Karma. Here is my list of things I have done recently, which are punishable by hives.

1. I've eaten McDonalds three times this week. Mainly because of their cheeseburgers and chocolate chip cookies. They are fabulous! I love em! This sounds like the early stages of obesity. I will now give them both up as penitence.
2. I cursed...in front of my son Roman. I said, "There is $#!% everywhere!" You see, he had taken his diaper off and there was runny poop all over the tile and on the counter. I overreacted; it's nothing a little bleach and elbow grease couldn't fix. I will take Roman to the park for penitence.
3. I remind myself of Michael Scott from the The Office. Just in general. Most of the time. For penitence, I will...I will... Firm up my resolve. That’s what she said.

Remember, Karma is real. Karma is bigger than you. Karma hates redheads with sensitive skin. So, do something nice right away!

Best Word Ever!

The best word in the english language has finally been decided. It was chosen for it's connotation, denotation, and funotation. The best word has many uses, but it is still simple and luckily not yet a cliche. No, it is not the word "Poop" although "Poopy" ran a close 4th. It is actually derived from a classy word that the Brits would use to celebrate a scrupmtious meal of tea and crumpets. It is derived from the word "Hurrah," but we Yanks made it cooler... as we always do. The best english word ever is:

Hooray!

What fun and joy we feel when using this word. It is excitement, exhiliration and triumph all in one little bouncy, playful word. So celebrate the Best English Word Ever, say "Hooray" today!

You might be interested in the fact that the Best German Word Ever is "Rechtsbehelfsbelehrung." It is a legal disclamer placed on written decisions made by government officials. The actual meaning is boring, but the word is just great. Try it, it's oh so fun to say! Hooray!

Thank You Mom & Dad

I cannot adequately express how grateful I am for you both. Daniela and I have needed so much help in our lives. We have needed so much help recently. I am amazed and humbled by how willing you have been to help us. You have taken care of Roman when we were at the hospital getting life saving blood transfusions for Marcus. You took care of Roman when Daniela was on bed rest and I had to work. You gave us an apartment when it became extremely difficult to travel an hour each way to the hospital 3-4 times a week. You allowed Daniela to move in when it became necessary because of Marcus's health. You get Roman in the morning when I have to leave for work early and Daniela is unable to be there. You always look excited to see Daniela, Roman, Marcus and I, even though we have taken so much of you.

Thank you Mom & Dad. In so many ways, the life I love and live would not be possible without you and your great sacrifices.

Little Littles!

Here is a video of Daniela and Marcus soon after his birth. The narrator is Celine Morton, the awesomest doula ever!

Mucho Marcus!

This is an optical illusion, there are 4 people in this picture.

I downloaded a few more pictures of Marcus. I hope you like 'em. The current status of Marcus is good. He is on oxygen, but very little. He is also on a portable monitor just to be sure he is okay. He does not have anything wrong with him, we are just being careful. This is due to the wonderful protectiveness of the UVRMC staff. They are so amazing at keeping this little guy healthy and we are so grateful for their caring, loving manner with Marcus. They treat him like he will someday find the cure for cancer... or like that baby in Willow. They are the best in the world!

Marcus Raynes!

His name is Marcus Joseph Gordon Raynes! He looks so much like Roman. The main difference is his hair color. Marcus has beautiful black hair. Roman & Marcus are so much alike, Roman was 19" long, Marcus is 18.5" long. They were even born with the exact same weight: 6lbs 5 oz.

Marcus is currently in the NICU, but he is doing better then they thought he would. He will hopefully be out in a few days. They are just watching him to make sure that nothing goes wrong. Just being cautious.

Daniela is doing so well. She was such a champ during the whole pregnancy and the delivery was no different. I still cannot believe the pain and trauma Daniela goes through for our little guy. I love her so much for it.

Thank you for all your prayers, it has truly made all of this possible.

Love, Regardless

Roman was near death when he was born. If he did survive, we were told that he would probably have some degree of mental retardation. My little guy was so close to death that for several days he could not move on his own at all. He looked dead. We were instructed by the doctors not to pick him up and hold him. Even this little act took too much of his strength away. I would stare at him while he was in the NICU afraid to do anything but watch.

I walked into the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit the day after his traumatic birth to find my Mother at his side. She was cradling her mothering arms and hands around Roman's sides careful to avoid all the life sustaining wires and tubes. She knew she could not hold him, so she would touch him to let him know that he was loved. She would do this for hours every day; just hold her arms around his frail little body giving him the much needed warmth of a loving grandmother's touch.

Roman is very healthy and happy now. He knows how much his family loves him. I am so grateful for a Mother who would find a way to show Roman he is loved, regardless of the constraints. I cannot even count the the times and ways in which Mom has shown me she loves me, regardless of the constraints. I love you too, Mom.

Redheads Feel More Pain!

Before you begin to think I am some sort of pansy, you need to remember that redheads feel more pain. Scientifical Factical. I even asked my doctor if it was true. He said that he had heard that before and agreed. However, he might have just been trying to be nice to me... he was at the time cutting out a section of my left vas deferen. I'll take it though. I'm not too proud.

What does a Vasectomy feel like? Well, it's odd really. Apparently there is a nerve that runs along the Vas deferens and all the way up my stomach. So, I feel a lot of the pain in my stomach. Kind of weird. How are my balls you ask? They are sore but not too bad really. Thank you for asking.

Bono and The Edge. They used to be named Rocky and Rambo. With the new change, I thought it would be approp to change their names. I've chosen these names because the old boys won't be quote as virile, but they will still play sweet, sweet music. Their best and most productive music may have been earlier in their career but fans (really one fan) don't mind hearing it over and over again anyway.

snip snip

Daniela and I are done having our own biological kids. We'll buy the next pair. However, it is very easy for Daniela and I to get pregnant. This creates a problem. What to do? Well, I fall back on an old axiom, "When in doubt, cut them out." That's right. I am going to get a vasectomy. Monday, February 18th at 12:15 pm. But, I don't sweat it. Here's my list of why livin' sterile is totally in:

1. My wife owes me. For life.
   
2. Irreversible? Sounds like a challenge!
3. People will treat me like an albino. Weird and medically challenged.
   
4. People will talk about me:
• "Did you hear about Jon?"
• "No, What?"
• "He got a vasectomy. Totally lost his ballness."
• "Gross! haha...gross."
5. Only 1 out of 10 men lose their sex drive. It's like Russian Rullet but with a body part.
6. I can make fun of myself in so many more ways. (Talking about how awesome I am all the time is getting old. Even for me.)
7. I can finally hang a pair of those fake rubber balls on the tow hitch of my Scion. And no one can say anything about them. The conversation would be far too uncomfortable... for them: "No really Jon, I don't need to see the scar."
   
8. Once I found an abandoned 35mm disposable camera. I grabbed it and took a picture of my balls. I thought it was funny. Later, I found out it was my Aunt's camera. I'm chalking this one up to karma.
9. If there were anymore Raynes running around, this country would be renamed Raynmerica. Because we Reign! If you don't like it find a new country. Like Crapistan.
   
10. To explain this to my young son Roman, I will need to speak like a pirate. It helps him remember. It goes like, "They've taken the gunpowder out o' me nether-regions, AAARRRRGGGGGG!"
    

Best Season Ever!

I love Autumn. I love the leaves. I love the crispness in the air. I love the chill in the morning and evening and the warmth in the day. I love wearing a sweater and feeling toasty and cozy all day. I love the day when you begin using the fireplace again. I love the anticipation of the Autumn holidays like Halloween, the deer hunt, and Thanksgiving. It's truly a 3 month long pre-Christmas party. It's the multicolored love child of Summer and Winter that turned out oh so Tiger Woods.

That is why I am naming Autumn "God's Best Season Ever."

Enjoy the title, Autumn. We miss you!

Melanee Pearl Braynes!

Happy Birthday Mel! We love you so much!

These are the top 10 things I love about you:
10. You have enviable hair. I wish I had awesome hair like yours.
9. The things you own last forever. You take such good care of the things you own. Like when I used to "borrow" your Asics. They were always in pristine condition.
8. You pick your battles like Warren Buffett picks stocks.
7. You are right most of the time.
6. You are humble all of the time.
5. I still think you could beat me up. You would use braynes over brawn... even though it is wicked awesome brawn.
4. You know everything. If you don't, you figure it out.
3. My son screams your name in delight anytime he sees you.
2. You care too much about people.
1. You remind me of Mom.

I'm Kind of a Big Deal

People know me. I have been known as Jon, Jonny, Jonathan, Big Red, JJ, JJ the JetPlane, JR, Killa, Thrilla, and J-Ray. You can call me Sir.